I went to the Kanye West “Glow in the Dark” tour last night and, other than the seats that made my ears pop and blood thin it was awesome. You’d think being in radio I’d be able to score decent tickets. Nope. I actually couldn’t even get tickets; Caitlin had to get them from her job (and another station). Yeah, I have major clout. What was that thing that Scarface said about the money and the power? I need to watch that movie again.

Anyway, if you are unfamiliar with the lineup it is Lupe Fiasco, N.E.R.D., Rihanna and Kanye. Here’s a short review of each act.

Lupe Fiasco:

Amazing. I’m actually mad at myself because I missed a few minutes of his set. I thought that the doors opened at 7:00, meaning the show would be at 8:00… but no, the show started at 7:00. So that sucked, but what I did see was great. He possessed the crowd with his flows and his persona that are devoid of any “edges”. I’m not slamming him; he’s a great M.C. He just isn’t the most daring. For his finale he did Superstar and was joined by Matthew Santos (the guy who sings the hook). He put on a really good show, very fun to watch and of course, its Lupe… is he ever verbally off-point?

N.E.R.D.

Pharrell and the boys lit up the stage with an energetic performance and lots of crowd interaction. Since I haven’t heard from them in a while, I forgot how much I like N.E.R.D. None of their songs are really groundbreaking, but they are a good band with some catchy hooks. They aren’t my favorite, but skaters and girls love them. After their set Pharrell, who was cussing, came back out on stage to apologize to all the kids in the audience for swearing. Saying something to the affect of “I saw a five-year-old” in the front row and realized I shouldn’t be cursing around kids, that’s not cool” – again, I’m paraphrasing. All of the women in the Key Arena seemed to slip off their seats in delight at such a “sweet” thing to do. By uttering a simple apology for his profanities he made every woman in the stadium make panty-soup. You think that’s gross; I had to smell it. The whole arena had the aroma of musty Kim chi and sour mustard. Thanks a lot Pharell. Anyway, the chicks loved it… I thought it was a bitch move, to each his own I guess.

Rihanna:

I can only think of one word to describe her performance: CONFIDENT. Rihanna has come along way from the shy, young Barbadian girl who was wandering the halls at our station’s concert a couple years ago. She is all grown up and still hot, only now she’s “woman” hot. She’s sexy… before she looked unsure of herself both as a person and as a performer. Now she looks like the kind of girl that would castrate you for not F#king her right. She scares and turns me on at the same time. But then again, fear makes me horny (what?). All I can say is that Chris Brown is a lucky guy. I bet her head spins around like poltergeist in bed and when she climaxes she vomits and growls out “ELLA, ELLA, AY AY, PLEASE DON’T STOP THE PUSHING!”. I bet you she even likes to be donkey punched in that voluptuous forehead of hers. Man, Rihanna is so hot. Keep crushin’ that puss Chris, keep crushin’ that puss. You are my new idol. Oh, and her singing was good too.

Kanye:

Effing incredible. He definitely gets a pass for all the shit he talks, dude is a performer. He does the entire show by HIMSELF. That is unheard of in hip-hop. Usually there’s about 75 people on stage sharing 3 mics (Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothing to f#ck wit). Not last night though. Nope, Kanye didn’t need some random hype man by his side to repeat the last three words of every sentence. His energy and intensity was unmatched. He made you forget that you were watching one person. He performed with enough ferocity for a band of 40 retards hopped up on meth. I have to give it up to Kanye for a truly creative performance. I have to give it up to his lighting and stage crew as well; it was quite a display. The show starts with a simulated spaceship crash, then the lights turn on and you see Kanye in lying in the middle of the stage. He then proceeds to take the audience on a journey buy using his music. The whole point of his “mission” is to “bring creativity back to the earth”. Well, Mr. West… mission accomplished. The most pivotal point of his set is was when all of the lights were killed save a singular spotlight on him. He drops to his knees and performs his song “Hey Mama”. It was powerful. “Hey mama, I wanna scream so loud for you”, you heard the pain in his voice and I don’t think there was a dry eye in the place, including me. Kanye not only put on a hell of a show, but he proved why he is one of the most successful people in music today. Hey, Soulja Boy, maybe you should catch one of the tour dates… learn something from one of your elders, stop making ringtone raps and Kanye, thank you for restoring some of my faith in hip-hop.

The chicks that got dressed to the “nines” to go to the concert:

This is probably the most important review of the night. While the music was great I need to take a moment to critique this desperate sect of the audience. You know who I’m talking about. The women that spend seven hours in front of the mirror curling their hair and spraying Obsession on their panties because they think that Kanye or Lupe or even Rihanna is going to spot them in the audience and beckon them to their dressing room. C’mon ladies, figure it out. Sure, some of them looked amazing while others looked about three sizes to big for their mini-skirts but that doesn’t make it okay. Think about it. Do you really think that Kanye West is going to be singing about his mom and see YOU in his peripheral vision and decide that you are the only thing that can ease his pain? “You know what would make me forget the misery of losing my mother? An insecure orange chick with split ends who can’t walk in high-heels.” Seriously ladies, do you think that you are really THAT hot? Do you know how much vagina Kanye was has and could be in? Why do you think he’d pick some random chick from Kent with a tramp stamp and glow in the dark sunglasses on? Not going to happen. Unless you truly are sexy, then you don’t need to dress up. If you are good looking enough, you will stand out. You will be the one dime-piece in a see of pennies. Your looks will rise above the mountains of fake tans and mangled toes. Don’t worry about it. Basically what I’m saying is this, if you are hot enough to get railed by a rock star you’ll know it. An excessive amount of cover up and a limited amount of clothes does not a hot chick make. Don’t get me wr
ong, I enjoy the view but it is the constant posturing that bugs me. Oh AND I hate it when women can’t walk in their high heels or when their toes are too long for them. Buy some shoes that fit, you look like an eagle that snatched up a little leather field mouse for dinner. An eagle with French-manicured talons that is.

All in all, it was a great show. If you have a chance to see any of the performers live, do it!

I love you,

Jubal

P.S. Jubal News will be up tomorrow.
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