I was talking to a friend today and it was the typical, “man I drank so much” type conversation. Well at one point he did what every drinker does and referred to himself as an “alcoholic”. I’m sure most of you know the type of comments I’m talking about, he wasn’t really sending me a cry for help, no need for an Intervention. Still though, I got to thinking, could I possibly be an alcoholic? I mean, I don’t go to work drunk (most of the time) and I don’t drink at work (if I’m on vacation). So, just to be sure that I don’t have a problem I went to the AA website to take their quiz. Below are my answers to their questions – these questions were taken straight from the website. Take it along with me won’t you? Let me know how you fare.

1 – Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?
Most of us in A.A. made all kinds of promises to ourselves and to our families. We could not keep them. Then we came to A.A. A.A. said: “Just try not to drink today.” (If you do not drink today, you cannot get drunk today.)

Uh, YEAH. I promise to stop drinking every weekday morning BUT is it really a promise if the only thing that hears you is the toilet OR the bathroom tile you woke up on? Didn’t think so; so NO, I have never had this problem.

No

2 – Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking– stop telling you what to do? In A.A. we do not tell anyone to do anything. We just talk about our own drinking, the trouble we got into, and how we stopped. We will be glad to help you, if you want us to.

Of course I wish people would stop telling me what to do. But doesn’t everyone dream of being self-employed? As for people telling me things about drinking; I have NO problem with this. I’m always open to suggestions for new beverages. Why just last night my buddy Nathan (who owns Bandits Bar: 159 Denny Way in Seattle) recommended a beer to me. I took his suggestion to heart, tried the beer and was very pleased. So pleased in fact that I had about 7 more. See, I am all for people “getting in my business” when it comes to alcohol. I have a very open mind and a discernable pallet. No problem here.

No

3 – Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?
We tried all kinds of ways. We made our drinks weak. Or just drank beer. Or we did not drink cocktails. Or only drank on weekends. You name it, we tried it. But if we drank anything with alcohol in it, we usually got drunk eventually.

I have switched from whiskey to solely drinking beer. Why the switch though? It wasn’t to avoid getting “drunk” it was to circumvent getting the angry whiskey type drunk. I made this switch mostly to keep from getting arrested for fighting or going “Incredible Hulk” on Queen Anne Avenue again. So, technically this is a NO too. I didn’t switch to beer to stay clear of getting “drunk”, I changed to elude police custody.

No

4 – Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year?
Do you need a drink to get started, or to stop shaking? This is a pretty sure sign that you are not drinking “socially.”

I did wake up a couple weekends ago and crack open a Guinness while everyone else was drinking Gatorade and to recover, but I had jokes to write and they didn’t. I didn’t have time to sit around licking my wounds, I had work to do; funny work, and everyone knows I’m funnier when I drink. Just like at a comedy club, I was drinking for my job so this is going to have to be a NO.

No

5 – Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble? At one time or another, most of us have wondered why we were not like most people, who really can take it or leave it.

No, I don’t envy people who can drink without getting into trouble. They sound boring and I would not hang out with them. NO.

No

6 – Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?
Be honest! Doctors say that if you have a problem with alcohol and keep on drinking, it will get worse — never better. Eventually, you will die, or end up in an institution for the rest of your life. The only hope is to stop drinking.

Other than the constant heartburn, acid reflux, indigestion, liver pains, weight gain, black eyes, head wounds, memory loss and heart palpitations I can’t really think of anything.

No

7 – Has your drinking caused trouble at home?
Before we came into A.A., most of us said that it was the people or problems at home that made us drink. We could not see that our drinking just made everything worse. It never solved problems anywhere or anytime.

Look, those dishes needed to be broken and that chair deserved to be thrown through that window. I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to explain this. Oh, and the yelling? You can’t blame me; I’m just expressive when I’m drunk… it brings out my fun side. It keeps my girlfriend guessing and isn’t that what all women want, a goofy, unpredictable nutball? Nothing wrong here.

No

8 – Do you ever try to get “extra” drinks at a party because you do not get enough?
Most of us used to have a “few” before we started out if we thought it was going to be that kind of party. And if drinks were not served fast enough, we would go some place else to get more.

From time-to-time I may sneak a flask into a party or a bar and not share. That isn’t because of speed though, it’s because they probably don’t have the Vodka I like. I mean seriously, I only drink Smirnoff and how many bars serve that? Not a lot, so I always bring my own. Plus, I can’t wait for a microwave to finish, how am I supposed to wait in line. Oh, it also saves money. So, NO my bringing alcohol with me isn’t a problem, it is a way of being particular and thrifty. Two traits that a lot of people would kill for.

No

9 – Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don’t mean to?
Many of us kidded ourselves into thinking that we drank because we wanted to. After we came into A.A., we found out that once we started to drink, we couldn’t stop.

Sure I could, I just choose not to and I always “mean” to get drunk. Good Lord these questions are easy. Are people really this messed up?

No

10 – Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking?
Many of us admit now that we “called in sick” lots of times when the truth was that we were hung-over or on a drunk.

Yes I have missed days of both work and school, but NO I NEVER called. I just slept through my alarm and didn’t wake up. Technically I have never “called” in sick to work for a hangover. I just don’t get up from passing out. NO again.

No

11 – Do you have “blackouts”?
A “blackout” is when we have been drinking hours or days which we cannot remember. When we came to A.A., we found out that this is a pretty sure sign of alcoholic drinking.

I do blackout almost every time I drink BUT I prefer not to call it “blacking out”. I call it magic… an out-of-body experience. Teleportation if you will. See, if I can’t remember the day before, it never really happened. When everyone else claims they saw me pee my pants and attempt to fight a light pole, I (the real me) was at home in bed, being responsible. You cannot label me an alcoholic for blacking out; you can only label me a master of illusion. I’m like David Blaine with slurred speech. If doing magic is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. ‘Going to have to say No to this one too.

No

12 – Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?
Many of us started to drink because drinking made life seem better, at least for a while. By the time we got into A.A., we felt trapped. We were drinking to live and living to drink. We w
ere sick and tired of being sick and tired.

First of all who isn’t sick and tired of being sick and tired. Those aren’t positive things. I have never heard anyone rejoice about being sick or brag about being tired. Also, if I stopped drinking I would get more done throughout the day, save money and have more personal relationships with people and who wants that? I get enough done during my day, sometimes I have so much to do that I have to go get a drink when I’m done. That is how tiring my days can be. As for money? I choose to live a life devoted to helping people, sort of like the Dalai Lama. Money is no object to me, plus if I have money in my account then I have to balance it and I hate math. I’m also a very private person so getting too personal scares me. So the answer to this is “am I sick and tired of being sick and tired”, yes… but I think even Jesus was. Would my life be better? Maybe, but the only way to find out would be to stop drinking and YEAH RIGHT, like I’m going to do that. Stupid question, NO again.

No

Did you answer YES four or more times? If so, you are probably in trouble with alcohol. Why do we say this? Because thousands of people in A.A. have said so for many years. They found out the truth about themselves — the hard way.

ACTUALLY AA, I answered NO to every single question. I definitely am not an alcoholic!

I’m really happy I took this test, it put my mind at ease. I feel sorry for the people who answered yes to any of those, that must be a horrible existence. Drunks are such losers! Glad I’m not one.

I’ll write more later; I have to go… I just finished my glass of Maker’s Mark and there are a couple of car windows that keep giving me dirty looks.

***Ripping off my shirt and kicking off my shoes*** I’m out the door. Just not in a straight line.

I love you,

Jubal

P.S. I also wanted to share this exchange with you today. This is a transcript of an instant message conversation between Caitlin and me this morning. Just a PSA to all you guys out there… CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER’S INTERNET HISTORY. (Also, subscribe and share my blog slugger)

Caitlin says: (7:55:11 AM)
i looked at the history to find a site i was looking at yesterday, and I found

Jubal says: (7:55:19 AM)
pornotube?

Caitlin says: (7:55:26 AM)
yes.

Jubal says: (7:55:59 AM)
yeah, I typed it in the other day (yesterday I guess) I heard of it on howard sterns site (YEAH ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO!!!!)

Caitlin says: (7:56:10 AM)
yuck

Jubal says: (7:56:13 AM)
hahahahahahahaha

Caitlin says: (7:56:19 AM)
dont really spank it in front of the computer. i sit here too, you know.

Jubal says: (7:56:25 AM)
I didn’t

Caitlin says: (7:56:29 AM)
liar

Jubal says: (7:56:33 AM)
I just wanted to see the site

Jubal says: (7:56:40 AM)
I HAVE spanked it in there though

Caitlin says: (7:56:41 AM)
the “f” key on the keyboard sticks now.

Jubal says: (7:56:47 AM)
just not yesterday

Jubal says: (7:56:49 AM)
HAHAHAHA

Caitlin says: (7:56:53 AM)
jubes, sick

Jubal says: (7:56:57 AM)
what?

Jubal says: (7:57:14 AM)
don’t judge me

Caitlin says: (7:57:17 AM)
spanking it at the computer… kinda bugs. dont know why

Jubal says: (7:57:22 AM)
I get lonely some afternoons

Jubal says: (7:57:33 AM)
hahahahahahaha
Caitlin says: (7:57:42 AM)
ick.

Jubal says: (7:57:47 AM)
thanks for bringing this up, you have changed my mood completely

Caitlin says: (7:57:47 AM)
need to get in the shower

Jubal says: (7:57:53 AM)
ooooo oooo oooo

Jubal says: (7:57:59 AM)
shower, I’m about to bust!

Caitlin says: (7:58:07 AM)
sick

*********
“The F key is sticking” THAT made me LOL, I even got dangerously close to ROFLing.