I realized something today. I have a huge problem. Well, I have many huge problems, but there is one in particular that has been worrying me the past couple weeks. As you may or may not know I am a huge allergy sufferer, or at least I pretend to be to disguise my raving cocaine habit.

Spring is the worst time of the year for me. Sure, to you it may be beautiful, those April showers a prelude to those May flowers… those Goddamned, no-good Mayflowers that shoot their pollen and spores in the face of allergy sufferers everywhere. I feel like I’m the guest of honor at an inflorescent bukkake party. And I take it; I take it all, like a good little bitch is supposed to. I realize it isn’t quite May yet, but the flowers are here and they don’t give a damn what month it is, they were sent here to ruin my life and they are doing a great job of it.

Now, to combat these ferocious floras I use a three (sometimes four) pronged attack. General Petraeus ain’t got shit on me. First, I rinse my nose out with a “Neti Pot” to wash my nasal cavity. It’s awesome! This is the first year I’ve employed this tactic and I love it. Although, you have to be careful that you don’t get the water too hot because then it will feel like you’re boiling your brain. After the “Neti Pot” I squirt “Zicam Allergy Relief” up my nose, it seems to work pretty well. Then I take either an Alavert or a Zyrtec… and maybe even a Valtrex for good measure. I’ve been doing this for about a week and a half and it seems to be working. If I am really in dire need of relief I’ll spray some “Afrin” up my nose, but I try not to use it too much because I hear that it can burn a hole through your septum and I’d rather reserve that task for something a little more narcotic. Then I take “Flouxetine”, which has nothing to do with my allergies. It’s an anti-depressant, I just use it to make life a little more tolerable… but I figured since we were on the topic of the pills I take, I’d throw it in there. Although with as stuffed up as my head gets I should probably stop taking them… a gun to the nasal passage might be the only way to get the mucus out.

Okay, enough about my allergies. That isn’t the point of this blog. I noticed today that I have zero patience. I accredit it to cell phones, the Internet and the basic need for instant gratification in today’s society. This is how I know I’m regressing as a person. I have become so impetuous that I CAN’T let my microwave complete it’s cycle. It is ridiculous. I’ve noticed it building over the past couple years, but I realized today while preparing my “Neti Pot” how out of control it’s gotten. All I have to do is let the water heat in the microwave for 50 seconds. FIFTY, EFFING, SECONDS, and I CAN’T do it. I stand in front of it, pacing, watching those 50 seconds tick down feeling like they are taking a week. Then I break, “screw it, it’s been in there long enough”, I say to myself, before popping open the door and pulling out the mug of lukewarm water. I think the farthest I have made it was to 47 seconds… what could possibly happen in those three extra seconds that makes it impossible to wait? Nothing. But in my head, when I’m watching the microwave count down it is like I’m standing in a 3-hour line for the Matterhorn on a hot summer’s day. The anticipation kills me.

It goes way beyond the “Neti Pot” too. As I think back I’ve realized that I don’t think I’ve heard the “ding” of a microwave in years, ALWAYS due to the fact that I take things out before they are done. I’ve even tried to keep busy in another room, but I hear the buzz of that sweet atomic cooking and can’t help but wait until there’s about 10 seconds left, then I have no choice but to take it out.

The problem has gotten so bad that I have started buying bulk packs of Cliff Bars and meal replacement shakes, not because they taste good. but because I don’t want to cook anything. And, if I ever do get up the gumption to use the infernal microwave, ten times out of ten I’ll be eating something half cooked. I have grown so impatient that I will actually eat a micro-burrito with a frozen center just so I don’t have to watch it cook for another 90 seconds. Isn’t that disgusting? I haven’t had a fully done Hot Pocket since the early 90’s. What the f#ck is wrong with me? I blame technology. Thanks a lot cable modem, thanks a lot text messaging, thanks a lot Tivo, you’ve given me a serious case of premature mastication. Something that no man ever wants!

Sometimes I wish we could go back to the days of churning butter, but then that would mean every chick would look Amish… and I think cold Salisbury steak is easier to stomach than a woman wearing a bonnet and no makeup.

I love you,
Jubal

P.S. By the way, I just walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water and noticed that the microwave display had a blinking :03 on it. EFF me.