I was watching TV last night and saw a promo for the new Deion Sanders’ reality show called “Prime Time Love”. Is anybody watching this? And, if you are, do me a favor… go to your kitchen, grab the Drano from under the sink and take a big healthy swig. You can thank me later. Why does anyone give a damn about what Deion Sanders is up to? Is that one of life’s burning questions? WWDSD? Don’t get me wrong, “Must be the Money” is arguably the greatest rap song of all time but has entertainment really sunk this low?

I think the problem is the amount of channels on cable and satellite TV. It’s gotten to the point where network executives are trying to “fill time”. “Hey boss, we’ve got to fill the 8:00 Tuesday time slot. What should we do?”… “Uh, what’s Mitzi Kapture up to? Everybody loved Silk Stalkings right?”… “Great idea, I think she works the Taco Bell drive through in Thousand Oaks, I’ll get right on it!” “Hey boss, what can we do to on Thursday from 7-10?”… “That’s easy, a 3-hour Kids Incorporated reunion special, don’t ask stupid questions.”

Hey fictitious Boss, I’ve got an idea! How about we whittle down our viewing options from 700 channels with nothing on them to 3 with everything on them. I don’t know how many Saturday afternoons I’ve sat on the couch fighting the fog of my hangover while channel surfing and haven’t encountered a single wave. In other, less descriptive words, there ain’t shit on. Let’s condense. I’d rather have fewer channel options and more ENTERTAIMENT options. Plus, I’m lazy; I hate having to hit the “up” button so many times.

I hope that the reality TV trend is almost over. It has brought nothing good to our society (e.g. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt). Why have we become obsessed with watching people live their lives? “OMG, OMG, WTF! Did you see the Mayim Bialik show yesterday!?!?!?! It was crazy! She got her car washed and went to the grocery store! Man, celebs are so interesting, that’s the life I tell ya! I wish I could be Mayim!” Give me a break. Who cares? What happened to watching talented actors deliver scripts from talented writers? Television executives wonder why Internet video viewing is beginning to overtake TV watching. The answer is simple youtube and sites like it have the best of both worlds. We get to watch real people doing creative things AND we get to view it at our own discretion. Sure, there is a lot of crap on Internet, but it is easier to bypass. There’s also more freedom. There aren’t any corporate or FCC restraints and there aren’t any consultants to water things down. That is why I’ve been doing a lot more blogging and videoing lately. It is a great release for my creative frustrations. That is another reason why stand up comedy is my one true love; it’s just you, a microphone and your thoughts… well, unless you’re name’s Carlos Mencia. Then it’s you, a microphone and everybody else’s material.

What’s next? Broadcasting executions? Sadly, that would be a huge ratings success. Haven’t you seen “The Running Man”? Not only was it a masterful performance by Arnold Schwarzenegger and did Maria Conchita Alonso send me into an early puberty it also had a great underlying social commentary. Yes, you heard me right. I am arguing social importance of a campy 1987 action flick. I guess a more cerebral example of the same undertones would be Jim Carrey’s “The Truman Show”… which in my opinion is a great movie.

That being said, if we are going to continue on the track of seeing what crap we can stick to the wall. Here are a few reality shows I’d like to suggest:

Survivor: Dumpster Island
This would be a great addition to the “Survivor” series. Except instead of throwing a bunch of random people in a remote location you take 7 teenage mothers, all from different socioeconomic backgrounds and ethnicities and let them secretly give birth in an alley. Then, they toss their newborns into a dumpster (like they were planning on doing anyway). This is where the fun starts! You record them for thirty days to see who has the best survival skills. Oh man, I bet the white girl will be such a bitch. They always are aren’t they? It will be awesome, we’ll see how they adapt, form alliances and stab each other in their little underdeveloped backs to become the winner. The sole “Survivor” will get an iTunes gift card and a foster family.

Big Brotha:
Have cameras set in the bathroom of a heavyset black man. We’ll watch him take sweaty poops. It will be soooooooooo mesmerizing to view the big man grunt, grown and strain out feces for an hour each week. No laugh track, no script just a real guy, taking real shits on a real toilet. Fun for the whole family!

Extreme Makeover: Iraqi Edition
Set up cameras in the streets of Baghdad and wait until an innocent family leaves. Then bomb the hell out of it. When they return from their daring day trip to the marketplace they’ll arrive to a tank strategically blocking the view of their house. The whole neighborhood will be out. Then Sgt. Ty Pennington will yell “MOVE THAT TANK!” to reveal the rubble and burnt belongings that used to be theirs. The crowd will go wild “LA LA LA LA LA LA!” How great will it be to watch the tears stream down their little brown faces. This show would not only be inspirational, but patriotic.

By the way, Extreme Home Makeover is a good show. So is the biggest loser, at least they are helping people. The other reality shows are just helping washed up celebrities desperately cling to relevance.

Keeping Up With The Mark-Karrs:
This show is inspired by the timeless masterpiece “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, except in this show we won’t be following the adventures of a bunch of rich brats with big asses and senses of entitlement. We’ll be watching the everyday life of John Mark-Karr and his family (he is married you know). This couple will be wacky! Hours of enjoyment here. We’ll watch captain creepy himself stalk elementary schools in his high-waisted Dockers. We will get to see the drama unfold between him and his bride. “John, would you STOP leaving your pictures of Jean Benet Ramsey all over this house?! Oh, AND PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN!!!” Wacky hijinx and hilarity ensue in this zany mad-capped comedy.

Just to warn you, I’m going to trade mark these ideas. Don’t even think about stealing them. What crazy new reality based ideas can you think of?

I Love You,

Jubal