Dear Jon (wow, that’s an ironic opening to a letter for you):

I’m sincerely hoping you open this seeing as it isn’t coming from the corporate offices of Ed Hardy. How are you man? I’ve been trying to catch up with you… but every time I cruise by the local high schools you’ve already left with another one of your girlfriends.

My main reason for needing to talk to you isn’t the obvious (your horrible hair plugs) it’s to ask you a simple question. Are you retarded? How can one man be so completely inept at PR? You could’ve been America’s sweetheart. You could’ve had book deals, TV shows, MUCH hotter women, all you had to do was lay low. Kate was such a bitch that you could’ve just hung out, played the victim and cashed checks. But NO, instead you decide to do your best Massengill impersonation. Just because you’re entering your 30′s and the middle of your life has that “not so fresh feeling” DOESN’T mean you have to completely douche it up.

The world already knows that you and Kate used her fruitful womb to bring you 8 cute, little paychecks, so that’s not the issue. The matter at hand is this, have you looked in the mirror lately? You are the epitome of a mid-life crisis, a parody of it. As a matter of fact your mid-life crisisness is so over-exaggerated that if an actor played it, it would be Jim Carrey (only at least HE has some redeeming social value). I’m telling you this because I care about you and more importantly I want you to disappear from the media so CNN can get back to actually reporting news instead of alerting me to the last time your bowels decided to move.

Here are some tips for not looking like a complete buffoon. One, take out the earrings. Here’s the deal, if you got your ears pierced when you were younger and decided to throw some studs back in them that’s fine but you didn’t. You waited until you got fed up with your relationship (and age) to get your ears pierced, which is an obvious cry for attention. A 32-year-old man should not have to rebel by getting his ears pierced. Two, you are not cool nor are you an MMA fighter. Give the Ed Hardy and Affliction gear to Goodwill . . . there’s some homeless people out there that could use a little douching up. A tip for you Jon, wear black, it’s slimming. Throwing a crazy tiger-patterned shirt on your muffin top makes you look like you are trying WAYYYY too hard (which you are but no need to advertise it). Three, you’ve got money, granted it is money that you don’t deserve and didn’t really earn but you have it nonetheless, start dating hotter women. Key word in that last sentence was WOMEN, pretty soon you’re going to be photographed waiting back stage at a Miley Cyrus concert hoping to get some action . . . from her 9-year-old fans. Oh, also the word HOTTER should be accentuated as well. If you’re going to look like an aging pervert who preys on young, innocent bimbos, at least make them good looking. That’s why Hugh Hefner doesn’t get ripped, because the chicks are sexy. Seriously Jon if you didn’t have money to afford nicer things right now you’d be THAT guy. The one who drives a convertible Miata listening to Cascada’s “Every Time We Touch” (or some other club music). The one who wears his Bluetooth at the club, “Hey baby wanna go out, I got technology”. The old guy in the corner of the bar wearing Under Armor in a desperate attempt to make his fat take the shape of muscle. You are a joke, instead of being quiet and eventually becoming a victim of a controlling woman, you’ve become a punchline… and a damn good one at that.

I do understand your yearning to live the party life. Listen, if I got married super young and had 8 tax right offs with an overbearing shrew I’d party too after when it were over. Believe me, I’d be doing blow off of dirty bathroom toilets while getting a tuggie from a tranny, BUT I would be discrete about it. You look like an old pervert.

Oh also, I hear you’re thinking about converting to Judaism. That would be a GREAT idea. Mostly because the yarmulke would cover up those atrocious hair plugs.

All right buddy, I’ve got to go, But if you’ve learned anything from this letter it should be this. STOP WEARING ED HARDY, it sucks almost as much as you.

Respect,

Jubal

P.S. I still kinda want to party with you though.