Dear Barry (I can call you that right?):

How’s it going? Hope things at home are good and that Bo and Joe Biden have learned to stop shitting all over the White House. I’m writing you today because I’m troubled at your recent weight loss. Is everything all right? I know that smoking and cocaine are appetite suppressants BUT they are also awesome, so if your recent drop in poundage is from that combination, I don’t fault you.

However if losing weight has come from a daily regimen of workouts and healthy foods then, as an American, I am insulted. When you first began your historical run for the presidency I was completely behind you. I ranted and raved about how much we needed young blood to lead our country. A leader with new ideals and a penis that doesn’t require a prescription. There was no bigger supporter of you than me. When people started calling you anti-American and a terrorist who wasn’t even born in this country it enraged me. Well sir, if in fact your weight loss is from exercise and eating healthy you’ve given me no other option than to agree with those naysayers.

Never in my life would I have expected to utter these words but Barack: Rush Limbaugh, Fox News and Anne Coulter where right about you. You are no American! Take a look around you; you and your shrinking waste are a shining beacon of the hatred and contempt you have for this country. This is America, a nation of excess. The land of whole milk and overly processed honey! Visit Middle America and spend a Sunday at a predominately white Baptist church. You know what you’ll see? A ton of patriotism and even more ass, that’s what! Go to a Wal-Mart in Little Rock, Arkansas and watch true Americans in their natural habitat. Talk to the people in line waiting to buy an engagement ring, a WWE t-shirt and a 30-pack of Charmin, THAT my friend is the voice of America. Americans aren’t skinny, lilly-livered, Nancy-boys who eat whole grain and do an hour of cardio a day. On the contrary, real wavers of the red, white and blue frequent Burger King and sit on the couch watching reruns of Cheaters. Your tiny waistline degusts me. If you really cared about this country you’d be like the majority; overweight, socially unaware and unwilling to spend your money at any establishments that lack the words “mart” or “barn” in the title.

It has become painfully obvious that you think you’re better than we are what with your fancy vocabulary and visible abdominal muscles, and I can’t take it any longer. Gain weight Mr. President, add some empty calories to those empty promises and then I’ll believe you love this country again. As malnourished as you look I’m starting to believe that maybe you were born in Kenya. Oh and I’ve seen how thin Osama Bin Laden is… coincidence? I think not! Sure, they blame his gaunt figure on his dialysis machine but we all know better than that. Osama’s tiny abdomen is just another message of his repugnant feelings for the good ole’ U, S of A. Thanks a lot for letting me down Barack. I thought you were going to be the savior we needed but no, you’re just some fruitcake that thinks deep-fried whoppers smothered in whipped cream at a county fair are a bad thing. You make me sick! Remember Mr. President, these colors don’t run… unless it’s to catch an ice cream delivery truck.

Please prove me wrong, I want to believe in you again but until you start expanding your midsection and closing your mind like an authentic American, I can’t support you. While Dave Chappelle might be one of the greatest comic minds to have ever lived, we don’t need him running our country.

Have a good day,

Jubal

P.S. If the weight loss is really from cocaine and cigarettes call me, let’s party!