Dear Khloe:

What up bro!?! How are you? May this letter find you in good spirits and enjoying married life? I also hope that Lamar isn’t getting too angry when you leave the toilet seat up… oh the wackiness of PR motivated bliss. The things we let ladies get away with right Khlo?

I think that your relationship thus far has been very sweet. Meeting a multi-millionaire athlete on a high profile team who has a history of depression and erratic decision making, (don’t believe me just look at his history when he played for Rhode Island – FYI Khloe, that’s the college he went to). Convincing him to marry you after a few weeks (also convincing him you had a vagina) was very impressive and romantic. What a beautiful story. Brings a tear to my eye every time.

Anyone who has ever sat next to me during a Lakers game knows that a lot of the time I’m not Lamar’s biggest fan. More often than not, his play is spotty, air headed and uninspired. On many occasions I’ve shouted obscenities at him from the stands and wished him harm, but I NEVER meant for something as horrible as marrying a Kardashian on the guy! I still bleed purple, gold, and L.A. Never in a million years would I desire the horrors of a Kardashian nuptial on Lamar. Sadly though, it happened and now Lakers fans have to live with the repercussions… mainly seeing your beat up grill featured on the Jumbotron every game.

Other than being a star fucking, publicity motivated skank who is ruining my basketball experience there is one issue that stands above all the rest. You arranged for season tickets in your prenup!!!! I MIGHT not have been as judgmental about your shotgun wedding had you not hit up your new husband for tickets in a legal document. Do you realize how bad that looks? It stripped your vows of any legitimacy, leaving your marriage much like your gender… shrouded in doubt.

I just heard today that you’ve been acting like a diva while sitting in the wife’s section. There are reports of you being appalled that you didn’t have courtside seats. COURTSIDE SEATS? REALLY? Sorry Khloe you aren’t worthy of sitting courtside at a Lakers game. Those are reserved for the “more money than God” type of rich people and real celebrities (not REALITY celebrities). You know, actors like Jack Nicholson who have done more than just be born into money. Jack also happens to be interested in the game, a Lakers fan! You’re just a part of an obnoxious family who thinks its fun to see your face on TV and read about yourself on Perezhilton.com.

Another story I read says that you wondered why Vanessa Bryant would have security and you wouldn’t. Two reasons: one, Kobe Bryant is the second most marquee player in the league behind Lebron James. He has a bank account that not only dwarfs yours and Lamar’s but overshadows some small country’s. Sorry Khloe; but when it comes to Lakers wife’s, Vanessa is queen bee. Two, what the hell do you need security for? A forearm shiver from a beast like you could stop a freight train; you’ve got nothing to worry about.

The bottom line is that you are the antithesis of real Lakers fans. You’re the reason why people throughout the country watch our games and think our fans are lame. Lakers games have sadly become less of a sporting event and more of a place to be seen. From reality peddling whores like yourself to douchey businessman in Blue Tooths not paying attention to the action, and definitely NOT cheering. You and your sister Kim’s huge ass are taking up seats that an actual fan could use. Sometimes I’m amazed that the Lakers are still a force in the league with the way that Hollywood has raped their fan base. Luxury boxes, celebrities and star fuckers who sit on their hands while the true fans are trapped in the rafters attempting to let their team feel loved. The bottom line is that it’s obvious you don’t give a damn about your marriage, you just care about keeping up appearances, however manly they may be.

Well sweety I think that’s it. Tell the wifey I said hello and he’s been playing great lately. Can’t wait to see you at the next game!

Sincerely,
Jubal

P.S. I hope you guys got the toaster I sent you as a wedding gift.