Dear Levi (can I call you that or is Douchenozzle your proper title?):

How’s life? I bet things are crazy now that you’re a bonafide celebrity and all. Are you really planning on taking up Sarah’s offer of joining them for Thanksgiving dinner? If you do, make sure you bring a side dish, we all know how much the Palin’s love your stuffing.

I just thought I’d write this letter to discuss your recent behavior at the JFK Airport (don’t worry I’ll keep the syllable count low so you can comprehend it). Anyway, reports are that you showed up to the terminal wearing your sunglasses. That, Levi, is a smooth move. I hope you went all the way with it by wearing an Affliction T-shirt and Blue tooth? If you didn’t, you’re doing a disservice to D-bags across America, (what would Jon Gosselin say?). Not only does a Z-list “15-minuter” like you look sweet donning sunglasses indoors, it is also a great way to draw attention to yourself. I mean let’s be honest Levi, if you were to walk through the airport unassuming nobody would look at you twice. Contrary to what you think, you aren’t that recognizable, but, by adding the glasses you caused a sense of wonderment in passersby. That’s right, a way to garner second looks. I bet as people passed you the conversation went something like this:

Person 1: “Dude, look at the tool in the sunglasses”

Person 2: “Where… Oh my god, what a fucking dork”

Person 1: “I wonder if he’s a celebrity, wait… holy shit, that’s Levi Johnston.”

Person 2: “Who!?!”

Person 1: “The guy that got Sarah Palin’s daughter pregnant.”

Person 2: “Haha, Oh… then yeah, it definitely ISN’T someone famous.”

You also demanded on boarding the plane before anyone else. Now, normally the prioritized boarding goes to young children or the handicapped. Unlike most people I’m not going to fault you for wanting to get on the plane first because it’s obvious you have the maturity of an embryo and clearly a mental disability (I looked it up on WebMD, douchebag is a type of retardation).

Did you realize that waiting for the same flight was Jason Alexander (A.K.A the chicken guy, A.K.A. George Costanza from Seinfield)? An actual star? Someone who worked at his craft, struggled and eventually landed one of the biggest roles in television history. That’s right Levi, some guys gain celebrity status by hard work, not by sticking their penis in the white trash daughter of a right wing wacko who ended up single handedly destroying an entire Presidential campaign. I know, stupid huh? Jason Alexander is a chump for having a talent at something other than healthy sperm. And he’s also a chump for waiting patiently to board an aircraft.

Here’s the deal Levi, I understand selling out Sarah for publicity, I get the “Playgirl” shoot. Get your money while you can, I would do the same thing if was blessed with a schlong as lucky as yours. I actually supported you when the news about Bristol Palin’s pregnancy first surfaced. You were forced into the public eye. Made to sit at campaign stops with a labored smile while sharpshooters watched your every move. It wouldn’t surprise me if Sarah held an AR-15 to your temple while you proposed to Britsol. That must’ve been a terrible experience. Not as bad as having a conversation with Todd Palin, but horrible nonetheless. I get it. You want revenge and you want money, there is nothing wrong with that. There is something terribly salacious about you believing that accidental fame is deserved. YOU DID NOTHING TO BE FAMOUS, appreciate it and stop acting like a dick just because an unprotected one made you a semi-household name.

The bottom line is that put in your position most Americans would try to capitalize, but you’re not THAT cool. You’re a punchline to a late night monologue, that’s all. Play your cards right and at least be a punchline with money, but respect the fact that the only reason people want to see your “Playgirl” photo spread is to laugh at you.

Learn a lesson from “the chicken guy” and be cordial. Wait your turn for your first class seat, because sooner than you think you’ll be back in coach with the rest of us.

Regards,

Jubal

P.S. You realize that “Playgirl” is predominately read by gay dudes right? That means you’re gay by association. I have a feeling that won’t sit well with your buddies back in the great state of Alaska.