• MADMARTIGAAAAAAAAAAN! #willowwasabadassdwarf 4 days ago
• Cold walk to work this morning. I'm only telling you this because you're concerned with the tautness of my nipples. They're taut, very taut. 4 days ago
• If you'd like to vote for me in The Best of Western Washington as your favorite comedian... here's a link: http://tiny.cc/x8155 If not, cool 4 days ago
• "Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays?", "No actually, it's cancer." *silence, fill coffee cups and head to work stations. 5 days ago
• Good news, my phone works. Now I can get back to ignoring in-person conversations to text someone else. That was a scary few hours. 5 days ago
• I think my phone died last night. Not battery dead, but like real dead. Been charging for over an hour and nothing. I'm excited about this. 6 days ago
• Midget pugilists = boxer shorts. 6 days ago
• My sex is on fire. Literally, I have a lighter fluid fetish. 6 days ago
• Climbed the municipal tower with @xgymstairs, ate breakfast and now I'm watching Hall & Oates videos on youtube. My day is done. 1 week ago
• Sometimes I molest user-generated encyclopedias... I guess you could say I suffer from Wikiphilia. 1 week ago
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