Dear Valentine’s Day:

You don’t know me very well but I know you (unfortunately), I’m a man, and like all other men you’re my most dreaded enemy. Yes, you’re supposed to be a day of love and affection but you have nothing but hatred for my kind. I despise everything about you from your stupid heart shaped boxes, overly expensive restaurant tabs and the pudgy, arrow wielding, midget who represents you.

Now, you may be wondering; “Why? What did I do, I’m just a single day out of 364 others?” Well, Mr. 14th of February you’ve done plenty. Every year you come around and make men’s lives miserable. I have never met another man who likes you, all of the conversations are the same “ugh, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, I hate Valentine’s Day”. Not once have I heard a guy giddily describe his anticipation to celebrate love with stupid chocolates filled with empty promises and chick flicks filled with cheese-ball dialogue and a recycled plot. You, Valentine’s Day are a fraud. I question your legitimacy every time you approach. Sure, I’m guessing at some point you were just an innocent day but after the card, jewelry, candy companies and females with their unrealistic views of romance got a hold of you, my you’ve changed. You’re a greeting card manufactured crook who picks the pocket’s of men worldwide stealing their cash and diginity . You’re not about love; you’re about stress and unmet expectations. Men toil for weeks, sometimes months trying to find the perfect gift to give their significant other’s on you. They don’t do it because they legitimately WANT to make someone happy; they do it because you’ve put a shotgun loaded with estrogen to their temple. Men don’t set out to find the perfect gift, they set out to find the perfect gift that won’t get them in trouble. There’s a big difference.

Since the beginning of their lives women are raised to believe that having a vagina makes them more important then their male counterparts. They feel entitled because without them and their ovaries humanity would cease to exist… WHATEVER! Chicks are raised as “princesses” who get what they want with a cute smile while men have to work for it. You exploit this fact to the fullest you jerk. You know from the first day a girl gets a shoddily cut out heart of construction paper that reads “Be Mine” you’ve got them hooked. “What!? A day to celebrate how awesome I am for having tits!?” “Yay me!” I guarantee that half of the girls that get a Valentine’s wish made of Popsicle sticks and paste run to the back of the room with the other little girls and talk about what a crappy job the poor sap did on it. That’s what you’ve become; a day when men realize we can’t, and will never be able to do enough to satisfy our women. You could bilk a guy out of hundreds of thousands of dollars making him buy all sorts of elaborate crap and no matter what, the recipient will always find one of her girlfriends who had a better Valentine. Women don’t look to be happy on your day, they look for reasons to point out male shortcomings and men are never happy on your day because they don’t want to do any of the arbitrary bullshit you put us through.

You not only lead to high stress and higher credit card bills you also contribute to lying. You’re a designated day for guys to express their love, that isn’t romance, that’s a job! And who likes going to work? NOBODY, especially when you know the boss is going to be in a bad mood… no matter how colorful your spreadsheet is. I submit that any man who celebrates Valentine’s Day doesn’t love his woman at all. He’s only pretending to love her because society’s social calendar says he must. His testament of love isn’t brought on by true feelings; it’s created by a debt to Hallmark. The strong-armed thugs at Kay Jewelers demand it. “BUY THIS SHITTY PENDANT OR YOUR MANHOOD GETS IT!” Men don’t suffer from the sting of love due to a strategically placed Cupid arrow at this time of the year, NO, we suffer from the pain of getting our pee-pees whacked because “Sally got a bigger bouquet”. That’s why I don’t celebrate you. I’m a real man; I choose to be caring and romantic every day of the year (yeah, I laughed too). In summation: you’re a shyster who’s only goal is to make money of off women’s insecurities. You should be ashamed of yourself. Well you know what V-Day, not this year… get your fucking hand out of my pocket!

Love,
Jubal

P.S. Will you be my Valentine?

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