Dear Lindsay:

How are you? I hope all is well. You look skinnier than usual, have you been eating? I hope so; I’d hate to see that you and Samantha Ronson have broken up again. Anyway, I’m writing today to discuss your lawsuit over an E*Trade advertisement that features a baby with the name Lindsay who is a “milkaholic” skank. Yes, I just called a baby a skank, but if it truly is modeled after you then it’s appropriate wouldn’t you agree? I thought so.

First of all Lindsay, don’t you have more important things to worry about? You’re career is non-existent, you’re money has got to be dwindling and you’re only hot three quarters of the time. Do you really need to be concerned with E*Trade commercials? I mean, the only work you’ve been involved in, in the last 5-years has been your liver slaving away to process all of the alcohol you drink. Maybe concentrate on getting your act together and locating your career? Here’s a hint Lindsay, the last time I checked, it was hiding back in 2004. Nope, working hard and gaining back the respect of your peers would be idiotic wouldn’t it? What’s the best way to get in Hollywood’s good graces? Bully a toddler . . . that’s right, show that little, whiny punk who’s boss. Let her know that if anybody is going to tarnish the name Lindsay, it’s going to be you. Big time.

Here’s the thing Miss Lohan, there is more than one Lindsay in the world. I know, I know, it’s hard to believe that someone else would have the gall to name their child after you. I actually have a friend who legitimately named their kid after you. Yup; his name is Train-Wreck Attention-Whore Stevens, it has a beautiful ring to it huh? Lindsay, if you’re trying to rebuild your image don’t you think that suing E*Trade for $100 million based on your suspicion that the “milkaholic” baby is a depiction of you is the wrong way to go about things? Maybe put that effort into rehearsing lines and making better judgment calls about the movies you do. Have you learned nothing from “Herbie: Fully Loaded”?

You’re attorney says that the baby in the E*Trade commercial is obviously a depiction of you. Let the PR nightmare begin. This lawsuit is stupid for a couple reasons. One, your attorney says that just because the last name “Lohan” doesn’t exist in the ad doesn’t mean that they aren’t talking about you. He said, “Do you know the name Oprah? Do you know the name Madonna? Same thing.” I hope you’re paying him well . . . or at least giving him the occasional drunken tuggie during a Wednesday lunch meeting. That is the most ridiculous argument I have ever heard. Yes, when you hear the name Oprah it’s obvious whom they are referring to. Oprah is not a common name, not to mention that she has every housewife in the world under her spell. She’s built an empire . . . the only thing you’ve managed to build was an enormous pile of coke on the back of a toilet in a nightclub restroom. I know that your crazy ass mom, Dina, refers to herself as the “white Oprah”, but that doesn’t mean that you can even put yourself in the same class as the media mogul that is Oprah Winfrey. Madonna is the other person that is recognizable by a solitary name, why is that? Madonna has gone from number one hit to number one hit, she’s socially conscious and has an English accent that comes and goes on a whim. You’re right though; it is totally the same thing. Saying Lindsay is just like saying Oprah or Madonna, the only difference between you and those two ladies? Talent. Well, talent and a gag-reflex. I used to support you, I kind of felt bad because your parents are the worst thing to happen to this world since cancer, but if you honestly think that a commercial is about you just because the name Lindsay is in it, you’re more delusional than I thought. You do not own the name Lindsay; there are tons of other people in this world named Lindsay, most of whom don’t make their living sucking down vodka tonics in a DJ booth while munching box to make headlines.

One more thing Lindsay Lohan (see I used both names so you’d know I was talking about you). The baby in the commercial is a “milkaholic” party girl. This proves the theory that you yourself have a substance abuse problem. Why else would this commercial cause you to think the baby was modeled after you? By accusing them of infringing on your good name you’ve admitted to being the perma-hammered floozy we’ve all believed you to be. You’re nowhere near as exceptional as you think you are, when 99 percent of the population hears the name Lindsay, rest assured you’re not the first person that pops into mind. Me, I think of a co-worker named Lindsay . . . yeah, did you hear that “co-worker” . . . she’s actually working! Therefore, my Lindsay already has a leg up on you (wait, sorry that probably made you horny didn’t it?). The point is, you should shut your freckled, prematurely aged face and get to work. This is not the way to go about changing your image. If you want to be liked again, if you really want to work again then do yourself a favor, put down the drinks and the vagina and pick up a script.

Sincerely,
Jubal

P.S. If I bring over a sharpie sometime can I play connect the dots with your freckles?

Let me start by pointing out something I feel I must. If you are a reader of this blog, listen to me on the radio or have seen a show you know that I do not bite my tongue. I also do not give praise just because something benefits me. The following account is a rarity these days, a positive costumer service experience. Had my gripe been resolved but I still felt wronged I would say so and definitely not relent in slamming Cheaptickets.com. Know that. Also let me add that the reason this showed up on their radar was because of the emailing, tweeting, facebook updating and blogging that we all did. This goes to show that the pen is mightier than the sword… especially if the pen is shaved down to a fine point designed for stabbing. I’ll address and idea I have at the end of this blog but please, read the account of what happened and know that we can all come out on top in these type of situations.

Now that I’ve gotten the “don’t call me a bitch for back peddling” paragraph out of the way let’s begin. It will be nice to put this issue to bed so that I can get back to blogging about funny Internet findings and writing open letters to deserved doucher celebrities. Although, I’m not sure I should… I’ve received more emails and views from this than almost anything I’ve ever done (the Khloe Kardashian Open Letter still reigns supreme).

I’ll start with what happened yesterday. First thing in the morning I emailed customer service for Cheaptickets.com through the link on their website, then I conducted a live chat with one of their representatives, he was helpful but could not find an answer and instructed me to call the costumer service line, so I did. Now, this was frustrating because I spent around an hour and a half on the phone with the costumer support before being informed that it I needed to call Delta (the carrier that I was supposed to return from Atlanta on). If I still have one grievance with Cheaptickets it would be with the 50 minutes I waited on hold, although, now I understand why. The rep was talking to Delta trying to resolve the issue for me. I’m sure I was a little sensitive seeing as I still had steam billowing from my ears from the night before. Anyway, I called Delta and was helped right away by a guy named Holden. They were awesome, didn’t try to give me any runaround or pull the “non-refundable” shtick that so often happens when issues with airline tickets arise. He simply explained what he thought happened and told me he’d look into it and until I heard back I could mail their corporate office explaining the situation, he was sure they’d help me. I rolled my eyes and hung up the phone “MAIL a letter, does anyone even do that anymore”, I thought “there isn’t a way in hell I’m going to get any response from this”. I was wrong.

Last night I was in an editing session for my new DVD when the phone rang, I sent it to voicemail. When I woke up this morning I listened to the message it was a woman from Cheaptickets/Orbitz saying that they had seen the blog, read my tweets and received all the emails. She wanted me to call her and give her details as to my travel snafu. I also got an email from her and responded to that around 5:00 this morning, by 7:00 we’d been emailing back and forth. I explained my problem and she said that she was investigating it, then she asked me to send her the receipt from the one-way ticket I was forced to purchase to get home and guaranteed that somehow I would get reimbursed for the $518.40, whomever was found to be at fault. Shortly after I sent the receipt to the woman at Cheaptickets my phone rang with a 404 area code – Atlanta. I couldn’t answer because we were on the air, but as soon as we were done with the show I listened to the voicemail, same situation, but this time it was someone from Delta airlines themselves. Holden had obviously done his job. I called her back and much like Cheaptickets she asked me to explain the situation and I did. From what I can surmise I DID have a ticket and it WAS paid for, there was confusion on behalf of the Delta ticketing agent who informed me that I had no ticket. Had I pressed harder at the counter and made her investigate further the problem would’ve probably been rectified then and there. Unfortunately though, in the heat of the moment we don’t think to cover all our bases. The woman at Delta told me the same, “she’d look into it and call me back”. I think I’ve heard the phrase “I’ll look into it” enough for a whole year at this point, but look into it she did. The rep. for Delta called me back about 5 minutes later and said “look, we’re still figuring out what went wrong and who is at fault, but we want to take care of the money that you are out”. That’s right; Delta was willing to foot the bill even if it wasn’t their fault. I knew there was a reason that I’m a Skymiles member and carry a Delta Airlines American Express card! I thanked her and she apologized and promised to figure out how this unfortunate accident happened.

So, all said and done Delta is paying me back the $518.40 PLUS a $100 travel voucher to book directly with them. Similarly, Cheaptickets.com has offered me a $100 voucher as well. All of that goes above and beyond what I would’ve expected… but then again all I expected was the “non-refundable, go jump off a bridge” approach that seems so popular in the customer service world these days. THIS is the way it should be! On Sunday night and all day Monday I would have never, ever, ever, ever (I could add more of those but in the interest of not taking up the entire Internet with “evers” I’ll decline), ever booked with either Cheaptickets.com or Delta again. I was sure that there was no way in hell either of those companies would get another dime from me. In light of the way they handled themselves though, I will definitely use them both again. Delta renewed my faith in my favorite airline and Cheaptickets.com convinced me that they were not the “frauds” and “crooks” that I so hastily labeled them before.

Let me clarify, in no way was the Cheaptickets.com booking fraudulent, that was a premature statement on my behalf, (I do a lot of things prematurely, just ask any girl I’ve ever been with in the biblical sense). Also, in my opinion Delta Airlines continues to have the best costumer service in their industry today. I’ll refrain from ripping up my AMX card, even though I should for financial reasons.

Here’s a rundown of what I learned from this experience:
1 – Booking through the actual airline themselves is the best way to avoid a problem.

2 – If you’re going to book through a third party like Cheaptickets.com or Orbitz spend the extra money and buy the travel insurance.

3 – When booking through a third party site ALWAYS put in the extra time before you leave to reconfirm your flight information . . . I’d do it by phone and keep a record.

4 – If something similar happens at the gate, let cooler heads prevail and press your ticket agent to ask more questions.

5 – If you legitimately feel wronged by a company don’t stop until you reach the right people who can help you. They exist, sometimes it just takes a little work to find them.

6 – Keep reaching for the stars (that just seemed appropriate).

Also, I want to apologize to Orbitz/Cheaptickets CEO, Barney Harford, by calling him out by name on Twitter. His company does not suck (which I’m sure was worrying him last night as he was sleeping on his diamond encrusted mattress filled with money)… what? I’m not ripping the guy, have you forgotten what I would do if I were rich by building my toilet mansion? Hey Barney, if you ever want to invest in the greatest rich person idea ever, holler at me.

Cheaptickets is not a fraud, just make sure you double check your booking because where there are humans involved, there will always be human error.

Delta is the shit. Hands down, I’ve never had a problem with them. That’s probably because they’re located in the south and there’s that whole “hospitality” code they have to live by.

Now, to address what I was talking about in the first paragraph of this post. Getting a hold of the right costumer service people couldn’t have happened without all of us putting a bug in the Internet’s ear. From now on I’d like to start helping everyone out with their costumer service grievances. I’m not trying to start a consumer advocacy website, I’m a comic, BUT everyone helping me was a really cool experience. Why can’t we (the teamjubal.com readers, twitter followers, facebook friends, fans of my comedy, fans of the Jackie and Bender show) create a network and stand up for one another. We ALL have these problems and more often than not the voice of a single person falls on deaf ears. Let’s unite and bring costumer service back! If you have an issue that needs attention paid to it, email me. I’ll post it on this site and we will all do our part to get you what you deserve (son of a bitch! I’m a consumer advocate now). Seriously, this isn’t a TV show where they select your story based on likeability and send a single reporter on the case. This will be a chance for you to use the voice of each and every person reading this. I encourage you to submit your story and I also ask you to help be an advocate for other people’s dilemmas. You too might want the help of thousands one day. I’m completely serious, I’m putting a section for consumer advocacy on this website and together we’re going to PWN any company trying to take advantage of us little people (isn’t midget the politically correct term?).

If you want to get started, email me. Let’s see if we can’t start a network of people who have each other’s back. TEAMJUBAL@GMAIL.COM

That’s all for now. I love you,

Jubal

Please share this with everyone you know who travels.

I’m normally one to look at myself before passing blame on a company, but if you’re planning on booking travel do yourself a favor and DO NOT use CHEAPTICKETS.COM. Admittedly when hearing the name I was a little unsure of the service, now I have no doubt in my mind that they are crooks. I’m warning you, if you book from them you do so with a high percentage of getting ripped off.

Here’s what happened. I flew to Atlanta to visit my parents this weekend, the travel was booked with CHEAPTICKETS.COM. My flights to Atlanta went off without a hitch but today, upon arriving to the Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport I did the usual. I went to the automated check-in machine and entered my Delta confirmation number of QUIDUTN… it searched and said the itinerary could not be found. I slid my card through thinking that I had mistakenly entered the confirmation number, again, “your itinerary cannot be located, please see a customer service representative”. Upon approaching the desk I informed the representative that I was having a problem. She took my name and typed in my information, her response “The flight hasn’t been paid for, that’s the problem”. I stood there for a second and she asked “Did you book this through Cheaptickets.com?”, I said “yes”, and she shook her head and said “I thought so”. OBVIOUSLY, I’m not the first person who has dealt with this problem. I was unable to get on a Delta flight out of Atlanta because they were all booked… including the one I was “confirmed” on through cheaptickets.com. The clerk helped me as much as she could and directed me to AirTran who had the only other flight leaving Atlanta for Seattle. I went to that desk and was able to get on the flight (which I am typing from now because they have in-flight wi-fi). The damage? $520.00!!!! Had I gone with a reputable website I would have probably been out that much for the entire trip. I found out the hard way that cheaptickets.com’s way of getting you a “great deal” is buy only booking one leg of your trip and somehow confirming you for a return flight without paying the bill, leaving YOU stuck not only to find a way home, but also to pay an exorbitant ticket fee.

To make sure that you know this is not my error, I searched all my emails from the criminals at cheaptickets.com. I reread every line, I checked the confirmations numbers, I checked my bank account to see if they had charged all the money, I’ve checked everything and yes, I can confirm that cheaptickets.com ripped me off. Here is how my itinerary looked:

Your Travel Document

Hello Jubal,

Thanks for traveling with CheapTickets. This e-mail confirms the ticket number(s) issued for the “Atlanta 3/4/10″ trip.

Ticket Information
Passenger(s): JUBAL FLAGG

Delta Air Lines record locator: QIDUTN
American Airlines record locator: EHUYNC
Ticket type requested: electronic (e-ticket)
CheapTickets record locator: AP270301M8T87G32
Airline ticket number(s): 0017840619298

Please note: At least one airline in this trip charges an additional fee for checked baggage.The fee is not included in your total trip cost.See details

Thursday, March 4, 2010
American Airlines # 1265

Seattle/Tacoma Intl (SEA) to Chicago O’Hare International (ORD)
Departure (SEA): March 4, 12:10 PM PST (afternoon)
Arrival (ORD): March 4, 6:10 PM CST (evening)
Class: Economy Seat: 25C | Seat is confirmed view/change seats

Thursday, March 4, 2010
American Airlines # 1807

Chicago O’Hare International (ORD) to Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson ATL (ATL)
Departure (ORD): March 4, 6:55 PM CST (evening)
Arrival (ATL): March 4, 9:55 PM EST (evening)

Class: Economy Seat: 28D | Seat is confirmed view/change seats

——————————–

Sunday, March 7, 2010
Delta Air Lines # 1061

Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson ATL (ATL) to Seattle/Tacoma Intl (SEA)
Departure (ATL): March 7, 6:45 PM EST (evening)
Arrival (SEA): March 7, 9:21 PM PST (evening)

Class: Economy Seat: 40E | Seat is confirmed view/change seats

Looks pretty clear to me, confirmation numbers, record locators, the word “confirmed” in more than one place… but it was not. Please, don’t let them get over on you like they did me. Don’t book with these swindlers.

I will be calling them tomorrow to see if they have any excuse or explanation OR any customer service at all (I’m guessing no). If, in fact they made an honest mistake or they can right this situation in some manner I’ll recant, but if not I’ll continue to encourage you to boycott this company AND to let everyone else around you know that they are thiefs.

–Jubal

P.S. Google this: cheaptickets.com, fraud, rip off, no return flight; and see how many results come up, it’s painfully obvious that this is a habit of theirs.