Here’s the newest episode of the Big Nutz Show with myself and Nate Jackson! Become a friend of ours on Podomatic.com!

Here’s the new podcast from myself and Nate Jackson! The Big Nutz Show! We’ll be dropping these every Sunday… enjoy!

10. James West (R-Spokane) – BUSTED 2005

You might not have heard a whole lot about this peach of a human being but you should have. He was the 41st mayor of Spokane, Washington and he was a pervert! Throughout his career there were many accusations of sexual misconduct and abuse. West was finally caught when a newspaper investigating him arranged a date through the website “gay.com”. Needless to say James showed up for his date ready to pounce on some butt and found himself in a heap of trouble. He was also accused of molesting a kid in his Boy Scout troop. West also had a practice of hiring young gay men for unpaid internships… all they had to do was bang the top of their heads against the bottom of his desk from time-to-time and they’d remain in good standing.

Hypocrisy: Mayor James West was a staunch opponent of gay rights. That’s because he wasn’t gay… right? He also advocated the impeachment of Governor Mike Lowry for sexual harrasment (1995). Throughout James career he voted against gay rights and stood on a tower for family values. Thankfully though that tower finally crumbled when the world found out he enjoyed being covered in junk more than Oscar the Grouch. He died of cancer in 2006 but trust me, he’s probably in hell refusing to admit that he is in fact, a dead man.

9. The Catholic Church – Hypocrisy entire decade (and for over 2,000 years)

Now, I’m not calling the followers of the Catholic Church hypocrites, although most of them are. I’m saying that the hierarchy of the church itself are windbags. Organized religion annoys me and it always has. Most of the people you meet who are highly religious are judgmental, hate filled and have superiority complexes. So basically any church in my opinion could qualify as hypocritical but I’m focusing on Catholics because they made the most news over this past decade. I will say this, the only redeeming value I see in the Catholic religion are those school girl uniforms (on women of age, pervert) thank God almighty for those. Great, now I’m horny… how many Hail Mary’s is that?

Hypocrisy: Throughout this decade the Catholic Church has done what it does best and passed judgment on people. Most of that targeted toward the gay community. Sure, the church has it’s beliefs about sex, masturbation, murder, blah blah blah, the list could go on forever but, the verbal gay-bashing they lay down on a frequent basis is why they are making this list. Throughout this first decade of the 2000’s the church has undergone a ton of scandals where a priest has molested an alter boy, a choirboy or even a pool boy. What does/has the Catholic mainframe done about “Father Creepy Fingers” and those alike? They simply transfer them to another church and sweep the kiddy diddling under the rug by paying off families. Not ONLY are they allowing priests to be gay, they’re letting them have sex… with little boys! Then transferring them to a church where they can feast some more. The Catholic Church and their covering up of gay child molestation makes them the #9 hypocrite on this list. It should have been higher, but there were just too many to choose from.

8. Al Gore – Hypocrisy entire decade

I live by two rules: One, never fight a guy with an eye patch and two, don’t trust anyone that looks like Sam the Eagle from the Muppet show. Al Gore falls under number two. Not only is Al Gore a bloated caricature, he’s also horrible for the cause he believes in. He actually makes me want to send a rocket full of cow farts and fossil fuels directly into the sun. I agree that global warming is a problem and I try to do my part (I’m not very awesome, but I try). Al Gore however spends more time with feet in his mouth than an MMA fighter. His untimely, uninformed comments give people who are trying to clean up the environment a bad name. Not only that, but he fossil fuels the fire of anyone who thinks that global warming is a myth. If he were so passionate about helping the world become “green” he’d remove himself from any sort of public exposure. He just makes us all look like idiots.

Hypocrisy: Not only does Al Gore make millions off of the fight against global warming with companies that he’s created to exploit it, but he also uses that money to buy huge mansions and private jets. His “carbon footprint” is bigger than any shit-kicking truck driver from Middle America who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about “green, hybrid drivin’ sissy boys”. Perfect example: when it comes to energy consumption, ONE of Al Gore’s houses uses more than 20 times the national average. Sure, he’s made renovations to make it more efficient but do you think it’s really going to help? No, Al Gore does not practice what he preaches (and preaches very poorly I might add).

7. Carrie Prejean 8 Sex Tapes – BUSTED 2009

Evil incarnate with a great rack! You can read my Open Letter to this skank by clicking here. She first jumped on the scene when she was ambushed with a tough question from Perez Hitlon about gay marriage during the Miss USA Pageant. The beauty (on the outside) queen and right wing judger admitted that she was against the gays getting married. Fine, that’s her opinion. She went on to lose the pageant and blame her defeat on her ignorant stance on gay marriage. After she took her amazing stand against all that is wrong with America – that being people who like the same private parts, she became the new face of the Judeo-Christian right. She continued on her bully pulpit not only opposing gays but judging others for being sinners. She proved to be unable to handle the heat when she blew up on Larry King Live and threw a fit the likes of a 5-year-old before walking out of the interview.

Hypocrisy: She’s got more sex tapes than Vivid Video. Granted they are all by herself and sent to her boyfriends, so in her opinion (and Sean Hannity’s) it isn’t a sin. Apparently there’s a Carrie Prejean version of the Bible out there somewhere… and all this time I had a King James. I’m an idiot.

6. Mark Sanford (R-South Carolina) – BUSTED 2009

In one of the strangest events of this past year Mark Sanford disappeared from June 18th to June 24th. He said he was going on a hiking trip and boy did he hike far. He went all the way from the Appalachians to the Andes and finally went spelunking in a “dear, dear friend”, an Argentianian woman who he’d been banging for quite some time. Not that I blame him, if I was married to an American frumpster I’d want to hump a spicy Argentinean too. He also admitted to having other affairs throughout his 20-year marriage. What a swordsman, well a cocksmith who is the world’s worst lyer. Holy crap, going hiking? That’s an afternoon excuse. Leaving for a couple days though? How difficult is it to say you’re on a business trip? Jerkoff (which is probably what he does now without a wife or an Agentinian).

Hypocrisy: Along with being another “family values” guy (they all are), he and another buddy of his who got popped cheating on his wife named John Ensign were two of the loudest people screaming for Bill Clinton’s resignation over the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Man-law: If you cheat on your bitch, don’t judge another dude for cheating on his bitch. Mark Sanford broke both the laws of marriage and the afore mentioned man-law.

5. Glenn Murphy Jr. (National Chairman of the Young Republicans, etc.)– BUSTED 2007

I’ve personally never understood the Young Republicans. Now I do though, because the Young Republicans like to party! Glenn Murphy is obviously a hardcore Republican and we all know how they hate the gays. He is no exception to this rule; the only problem is he despises the gay lifestyle so much that he can taste it… literally. Murphy took another Young Republican to his house and after a long night of getting hammered together the other YP passed out. To his surprise he woke up in the middle of the night with Murphy’s mouth all up on his junk. Yup, nothing like a sweet morning spit shine to cure a hangover. The only thing wrong with the situation is that the anonymous Republican didn’t really enjoy having his junk on another dude’s tonsils. Sucks for you Glenn Murphy… not the other guy.

Hypocrisy: He was a Young Republican; he opposed gay marriage and advised other politicians (he was a political consultant) to do the same. For that I say SUCK IT GLENN… no really, suck it… it’s fully engorged right now.

4. Bob Allen (R-Florida) – BUSTED 2007

Bob Allen is a great man. Not only is he a closeted gay homophobe, he’s also a racist. At least he’s an equal opportunity hate monger. Check this out, Bob was hungry for some dick and he was on the prowl, a hungry dickwolf if you will. Now, if you’re famished for some penis what’s the best way to get it? Offer a random dude in a public park a crisp new $20 bill to let you give him a BJ that’s how. The problem is, Allen did it wrong. He had his $20 bill, found a public park and a random guy but oops, the guy was an undercover cop. They normally don’t dish out blowjays for $20’s… normally. The best part is though, when asked why he gave the guy twenty bucks his response was he only gave the “burly black man” $20 because he “didn’t want to become a statistic”, he shoots, he scores!!! I get it, he thought the black guy was going to rob him so he did the right thing, gave the guy cash and then just to be sure the scary African-American didn’t leave angry offered to suck him off. It all makes sense now. FREE BOB ALLEN.

Hypocrisy: Allen was part of a bill to ban gays from adopting kids in Florida and also submitted a bill that wanted stiffer (pun intended) penalties for “unnatural and lascivious acts”. Good thing that bill didn’t pass or Bobby would’ve been in big trouble. As Shakespeare said “Methinks thou dost protest too much”.

3. Mark Foley (R-Florida) – BUSTED 2006

Unfortunately this blog of the “Top 10 Hypocrites of the Decade” seems to have developed a theme, gay opposition getting caught being gay. Unfortunately for these fellas though, they are the majority in the anti-gay population. The fact that Ryan Reynold’s abs makes them horny scares them, so what do they do? They act out, they turn into self-loathing, bigoted assholes, Mark Foley is no exception. Not only did it turn out that he was gay but he gets bonus points for also being a pedophile. “Fondling” Foley got caught sexting (see Obama isn’t the only politician using today’s technology to help his cause). Foley was sending sexually explicit text messages and emails to underage male pages. LOL, no LFMAO, wait now I’m ROFL’ing! Quick Mr. Foley, text me some n00dz!

Hypocrisy: Mark Foley introduced a bill to outlaw web sites featuring sexually suggestive images of preteen children. He was also a chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. You can’t write this stuff people! Well, maybe you can as long as it’s in the form of a text message to a minor.

2. Ted Haggard (Leader, National Association of Evangelicals) – BUSTED 2006

Pastor Ted! He loves Jesus and loves spreading the word of God. He also loves M&M’s (Meth and Male prostitutes)! There isn’t much better than seeing a conservative, evangelical moron like Haggard get outed. These guys do nothing but tell everyone how they are sinners; meanwhile they get paid millions and are treated like rockstars. Remember this: those who oppose something the loudest usually have something to hide, in Pastor Ted’s case what did he have to hide? The sausage in other men’s butts. He finally had to admit to being addicted to meth and the peen in November of 2006 and has since been going to rehab and attempting to fix himself. Only problem is, he might be able to kick the meth habit, but he’ll always be gay. Maybe he should realize that being gay is fine and that Christianity is a religion based on love, understanding and acceptance. Probably not though.

Hypocrisy: In true religious zealot fashion, Pastor Ted’s teachings of ignorance were that homosexuality is a sin and he was a big opponent of gay rights. OBVIOUSLY he was high on meth.

1. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) – BUSTED 2007

In 2007 Larry “Twinkle Toes” Craig was picked up for trying to blow dry other men in the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. This is the first time that mainstream Americans learned about the “toe tapping” technique that gay dudes in airports apparently use to get tuggies. Craig used this signal on an undercover cop and got busted, he claimed that he just has a “wide stance” when he uses the bathroom… apparently he also listens to his iPod and taps out beats with his feet too. I believe him, he’s just misunderstood. Look, I know a lot of gay dudes, I love gay people, I’ve been in very lewd discussions about sexual activity with gay men and NEVER had I heard of the “toe tap” before Craig got caught, unless you knew what you were doing there is no way that would be mistaken for anything BUT looking to spit shine someone’s purple helmet. To this day he claims, “I am not gay, I do not cruise”.

Hypocrisy: Larry voted against same sex marriage rights any chance he got; he also rails against the GLBT community and continues to deny being gay. Even though there are reports of his propensity for ween on ween action dating back to the 60’s.

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Today’s hero is a no-brainer. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again Steven Seagal is the baddest person to have ever walked the earth. For a while there were lists about all of the manly and powerful things that Chuck Norris could do. Well, I’m here to tell you that Chuck Norris continues to exist ONLY because Steven Seagal allows him to. Steven is the second greatest actor of all time, right behind Dabney Coleman.

I have followed Steven’s career since I was a kid. I thank God everyday that I was lucky enough to be born in a time that gets to experience the phases of this great man’s life. From the svelte ass kicker in Above the Law and Under Siege (and countless others) to the more cerebral hero in The Glimmer Man to The bloated black man we saw in movies like Urban Justice. Well, it seems as if the enigmatic demigod that is Steven Seagal has taken another incarnation: “Steven Seagal: Lawman“! The new show on A&E, which chronicles Mr. Seagal’s work with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office (Jefferson Parish, Louisiana).

Not only is the show amazing, but Steven has done it again! He has proved why he is the second most influential man of the last millennium (Dabney Colemnan still reigns supreme in that respect). The killing machine that is Steven Seagal was not only able to roundhouse kick the competition in their stupid faces, but he also overhand smashed ratings records for A&E!!

Steven Seagal Lawman premiered Wednesday with back-to-back episodes that averaged a record-breaking 3.5 million viewers (3.4 million at 10p, and 3.6 at 10:30p). It also averaged 2.0 million adults 18-49 viewers and was the most-watched original series launch in A&E’s history in all key demos.

So congratulations Steven Seagal, for continuing to be the universe’s second (remember, Dabney Coleman) most valuable treasure you are TEAMJUBAL.COM’s Hero of the Week.

P.S. I want to have your babies.

You’ll be able to see Russia from the table!

Thank you for all of your submissions, it was tough to choose the winner of the $50.00. It came down to one deciding factor… I’m a sucker for Sarah Palin seeing Russia references. So, congrats to Toribryan!!! We will be doing comment contests once a month for cash and/or fabulous prizes! Keep checking back, tell friends! The more comments we get the bigger the prizes will be.

Dear Levi (can I call you that or is Douchenozzle your proper title?):

How’s life? I bet things are crazy now that you’re a bonafide celebrity and all. Are you really planning on taking up Sarah’s offer of joining them for Thanksgiving dinner? If you do, make sure you bring a side dish, we all know how much the Palin’s love your stuffing.

I just thought I’d write this letter to discuss your recent behavior at the JFK Airport (don’t worry I’ll keep the syllable count low so you can comprehend it). Anyway, reports are that you showed up to the terminal wearing your sunglasses. That, Levi, is a smooth move. I hope you went all the way with it by wearing an Affliction T-shirt and Blue tooth? If you didn’t, you’re doing a disservice to D-bags across America, (what would Jon Gosselin say?). Not only does a Z-list “15-minuter” like you look sweet donning sunglasses indoors, it is also a great way to draw attention to yourself. I mean let’s be honest Levi, if you were to walk through the airport unassuming nobody would look at you twice. Contrary to what you think, you aren’t that recognizable, but, by adding the glasses you caused a sense of wonderment in passersby. That’s right, a way to garner second looks. I bet as people passed you the conversation went something like this:

Person 1: “Dude, look at the tool in the sunglasses”

Person 2: “Where… Oh my god, what a fucking dork”

Person 1: “I wonder if he’s a celebrity, wait… holy shit, that’s Levi Johnston.”

Person 2: “Who!?!”

Person 1: “The guy that got Sarah Palin’s daughter pregnant.”

Person 2: “Haha, Oh… then yeah, it definitely ISN’T someone famous.”

You also demanded on boarding the plane before anyone else. Now, normally the prioritized boarding goes to young children or the handicapped. Unlike most people I’m not going to fault you for wanting to get on the plane first because it’s obvious you have the maturity of an embryo and clearly a mental disability (I looked it up on WebMD, douchebag is a type of retardation).

Did you realize that waiting for the same flight was Jason Alexander (A.K.A the chicken guy, A.K.A. George Costanza from Seinfield)? An actual star? Someone who worked at his craft, struggled and eventually landed one of the biggest roles in television history. That’s right Levi, some guys gain celebrity status by hard work, not by sticking their penis in the white trash daughter of a right wing wacko who ended up single handedly destroying an entire Presidential campaign. I know, stupid huh? Jason Alexander is a chump for having a talent at something other than healthy sperm. And he’s also a chump for waiting patiently to board an aircraft.

Here’s the deal Levi, I understand selling out Sarah for publicity, I get the “Playgirl” shoot. Get your money while you can, I would do the same thing if was blessed with a schlong as lucky as yours. I actually supported you when the news about Bristol Palin’s pregnancy first surfaced. You were forced into the public eye. Made to sit at campaign stops with a labored smile while sharpshooters watched your every move. It wouldn’t surprise me if Sarah held an AR-15 to your temple while you proposed to Britsol. That must’ve been a terrible experience. Not as bad as having a conversation with Todd Palin, but horrible nonetheless. I get it. You want revenge and you want money, there is nothing wrong with that. There is something terribly salacious about you believing that accidental fame is deserved. YOU DID NOTHING TO BE FAMOUS, appreciate it and stop acting like a dick just because an unprotected one made you a semi-household name.

The bottom line is that put in your position most Americans would try to capitalize, but you’re not THAT cool. You’re a punchline to a late night monologue, that’s all. Play your cards right and at least be a punchline with money, but respect the fact that the only reason people want to see your “Playgirl” photo spread is to laugh at you.

Learn a lesson from “the chicken guy” and be cordial. Wait your turn for your first class seat, because sooner than you think you’ll be back in coach with the rest of us.

Regards,

Jubal

P.S. You realize that “Playgirl” is predominately read by gay dudes right? That means you’re gay by association. I have a feeling that won’t sit well with your buddies back in the great state of Alaska.

Check this:

I Love You,
Jubal

I am so happy that Barack has secured the nomination! Finally.

Thank you Hillary for finally realizing that your run is over.  Now do yourself a favor and start a new run . . . on a treadmill.

Now it’s time to focus on what is important.  Bringing youth and new ideas back to the White House.  Old, out-of-touch stiffs run this country and I’m tired of it!  Simply because someone is “young” or “inexperienced” they are labeled unqualified.  This is bullshit.  Haven’t you old fuckers ever heard of a “natural”, a “prodigy” or someone who was “born to do” something?  That is what Barack is.  A fucking natural. He was made for this.  You old bitches like McCain are just angry because you don’t have an ounce of the talent that Barack does without even trying.  Sure you’ve had to work hard to get where you are, but Obama can do a better job than you without having shared a political seat with Abraham Lincoln himself.

The same goes for a lot of things, as a comedic performer I have worked for years honing my stage presence and writing material (even though I haven’t had a show in a couple weeks) BUT I have come across guys who become national headliners in a year or less.  Most people hate on them and say it is because they are good looking or hacks.  I beg to differ, it is because they have a ton of natural talent and have been given the right breaks to make it work for them.  Talent plus timing equals success.  The same goes for every arena of life.  I’m tired of these dinosaurs being sour because somebody younger with less experience can do a better job.

It’s like my dad told me when I was a kid getting into fights,  “no matter how bad you think you are; there is ALWAYS someone out there meaner and badder than you’ll ever be”.  So take note you old fuck (McCain)… “No matter how experienced you think you are, there is always someone out there who is naturally more talented than you’ll ever be”!

That’s really all I had for today.  It’s time for a change.  Let’s kick these dinosaurs out of office and take back the country.  Yes we can!  We are more docile and they have brittle hips.  Lets steal this country back the way thugs steal old ladies’ purses.

I love you,

Jubal

Here’s your Jubal News for last Friday. I apologize for being tardy, I was in Vegas losing all my monies.

I will be posting a blog about that experience later this week.

I Love You!

Jubal

Here’s your JNN update for this week.

I Love You,

Jubal